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Life Design Ezine>
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN
July 1, 2008
"When people honor each other, there is a trust established
that leads to synergy, interdependence, and deep respect.
Both parties make decisions and choices based on what is
right, what is best, what is valued most highly."
~ Blaine Lee
Comprehending people who are not exactly like me seems to
have taken a lifetime. But, I’m learning that such
understanding is the key to connecting with professional
colleagues and loved ones as well. Not everyone grew up
having family dinner conversations that were tantamount to
hockey games rather than patient inquiries around the table
regarding the highs and lows everyone’s day. Communication
styles that each of us “fall into” have grown up the same
ways that we have. At present, most of us tend to embody
moods, styles, and motivations that gave us the most
attention as kids. You may witness this truism emerge,
organically, at any business meeting, networking lunch or
other small group occasion.
From my work as a career counselor since 2006, I’ve found
that among the multiple ways we express ourselves in
relationship, there are a few main styles that tend to
emerge within the first hour of counseling. Learning how to
listen and observe the unique expression of others—i.e.,
read people for style—can help in the search for mutual
understanding. Being a quick study of each person’s style
is one very important way I improve my capacity to connect.
In the 1980’s, a great deal of literature emerged that
spoke of increasing your “EQ” or emotional intelligence. In
1991, with the sexual harassment case of Anita Hill by
Clarence Thomas and lawsuits of discrimination getting
greater publicity, cultivating a wider-consciousness in the
workplace became an urgent concern.
Some companies and institutions made mandatory “diversity”
workshops, gender issues education, race-consciousness
seminars and personality questionnaires where the results
were collectively explored. At such events, participants
are encouraged to observe their own and others’
communication styles for differences in processing what
"different ways of knowing" occur between men and women,
people from different ethnic and social groups, and
workplace colleagues and supervisors. In many places, tacit
“laws” arose that hovered in lunchrooms and over water
coolers: “Be polite or at least tolerate people who are not
you.”
The initial aim of using these personality temperament
sorters was to help people “awaken” to their own style or
relational temperament. But, learning about the style (and
temperamental differences) of others had not been
emphasized until very recently.
As someone who taught comparative religions for 12 years,
most of what I covered in class related to learning about
people who are “not us.” I urged students to “bracket”
self-interest—their psychological narcissism—for the
semester. The question with which I would begin class was:
“What do other intelligent people around the world value
and defend as true or most important?” As a career
counselor, I’m learning to integrate two vital ways of
knowing and remaining curious—to keep learning about others
and deepen understanding of self in relation to others.
Learning about your own style and studying the temperaments
of others, especially in relation to communication, can be
the smartest ways for successful networking.
Often, when we do what comes naturally we alienate others
without realizing it. Why? Because our behavior and
communicative style may not be natural for them. For a
relationship of mutual understanding to work, we have to
become aware of our natural tendencies in relation to
others’ natural preferences. When we can defuse the
extremes of our behavior we can avoid sabotaging ourselves.
We do this by quickly identifying the individual needs of
others based on the behavioral signals they will send to
us, and then adapting our own behavior to make them feel
comfortable, heard and understood.
With insight, we can recognize when our own style works and
does not when trying to connect with others—knowing that we
can “auto-correct” and psycho-socially “attune” to the
other at any point in any conversation.
Isn’t connecting with others is the point of all
interactions?
Connecting with, and understanding, others as a prime
directive may be a Copernican revolution for some of us,
i.e., if you were raised by a character like Tony Soprano,
winning or surviving any conflict may be your default style
whenever there’s conflict or tension. Sometimes the context
may not be conflict-ridden, and yet you’ll still assume
that all interactions will have a winner and a loser and
you’ll play the role, (and take the outcome), that you
always did as a child. Habitual thinking rarely works out
for the good. But, our historically-ingrained styles of
interacting can be transformed with greater awareness,
understanding, and the humility to keep learning.
The key objective is to understand your own communication
style and to be able to quickly and accurately identify the
style of others; then adapt so that you treat others the
way they want to be treated.
An organizational psychology firm entitled The Platinum
Rule Group offers a quick overview of the four most common
behavioral styles and a brief description of how the more
extreme behaviors of each style may be perceived by others.
I’ve added some of my own experiences of these types below:
The Director Style: This style is driven by two governing
needs: (1) the need to control and (2) the need to
achieve. They are goal-oriented go-getters who are most
comfortable when they are in charge of people and
situations. They want to accomplish many things now, so
they focus on no-nonsense approaches to bottom-line
results. The Director style seeks expedience and is not
afraid to bend the rules or “get a B+” rather than strive
endlessly—causing a delay—on behalf of the god called
“perfection.” They figure it is easier to beg forgiveness
than to ask permission. They accept challenges, take
authority, and plunge headfirst into solving problems. They
take charge in a crisis, are fast-paced, task-oriented, and
work quickly and impressively by themselves—meaning they
become annoyed with delays.
The Director’s weakness, in a word, is “steamrolling”
others, forcing outcomes, and insisting: “my way or the
highway!”
The Socializer Style: This style is friendly,
enthusiastic, true “pack animals." They like to be where
the action is. Like divas or male models, they thrive on
the admiration, acknowledgment, and compliments that come
with being in the limelight. They just want to have fun.
They are more relationship-oriented than task-oriented.
They would rather "schmooze" with colleagues over lunch
than work in the office. This style’s strengths are
enthusiasm, charm, persuasiveness, and warmth. They are
gifted in people skills and communicate naturally and
persuasively with individuals as well as groups. They are
idea-people and dreamers who excel at getting others
excited about their vision. They are optimists with an
abundance of charisma.
The Socializer’s weakness is “speeding to be
omnipotent/omnipresent.” They try to do too much too
quickly, and, as a consequence, miss important details.
The Relater Style: This style is warm, supportive, and
nurturing. They are the most people-oriented of the four
styles. The Relater styles are excellent listeners, devoted
friends, and loyal employees. Their relaxed disposition
makes them approachable and warm. They develop strong
networks of people who are willing to be mutually
supportive and reliable. The Relater styles are excellent
team players and tend to be risk-averse. When the Relater
styles are faced with change, they need to think it
through, plan, and accept it into their world. They, more
than the other behavioral types, strive to maintain
personal composure, stability, and balance. Relater styles
are courteous, friendly, and willing to share
responsibilities. They are good planners, persistent
workers, and good with follow-through. They can be slow
decision-makers because of their need for
security-through-approval, their need to avoid risk, and
their desire to include others in the decision-making
process.
The Relater’s weakness is being “overly-cautious” and
hypersensitive—processing decisions slowly and searching
for everybody’s “buy in” feels necessary for them to move
forward.
The Thinker Style: This style is analytical, persistent,
and systematic. They enjoy problem solving and are
detail-oriented, which makes them more concerned with
content than style. Thinkers have high expectations of
themselves and others, which can make them overly critical.
Their tendency toward perfectionism – taken to an extreme –
can cause “paralysis by over-analysis.” They are slow and
deliberate decision-makers. They do research, make
comparisons, determine risks, calculate margins of error,
and then take action. The Thinker style becomes irritated
by surprises and glitches, hence their cautious
decision-making. The Thinker styles are also skeptical, so
they like to see promises in writing. The Thinker styles’
strengths include an eye for detail and accuracy,
dependability, independence, persistence, follow-through,
and organization. They are good listeners and ask a lot of
questions; however, they run the risk of missing the forest
for the trees.
Thinker’s weakness: paralyzing perfectionism, impatience
with human error (others), and inflexibility.
WHAT TO DO?
“To observe without distortion is only possible if there is
complete attention with your body, your nerves, your mind,
your heart, your ears. Then there is only attention.” ~ J.
Krishnamurti
An important caveat to remember, applying these insights to
your relationships with great focus doesn’t mean you throw
yourself and your unique style under the bus! Rather, it
means working more skillfully with your own
potentially-alienating tendencies in conversation to
more-skillfully connect with others—those who may have a
different style than your own. "Connecting” with others
means "getting into their world" in a way that reflects and
speaks to their style.
For example, as a Director, if I'm speaking with a Relater,
I'm going to be very watchful to resist interrupting. I'm
going to work hard to do the following: ask open-ended
questions, listen patiently as they process information,
work on making eye contact, use the exact feeling words
that they use, and respond more slowly than I would if I
were with my own "Director"-oriented friends.
If I'm a Relater, I'm going to prefer meeting with people
in a quiet place, one-on-one, to hear and respond
thoughtfully to what they’re saying and mirror back to them
the specific content of their priorities and concerns.
With “bottom-line” Director-types, speaking directly to the
point in a quick, short, content-relevant sentences will be
more effective. Going on and on with long stories and
slow-to-the-point, and thick descriptions will make that
exchange the very last one.
Thinkers require accuracy, rigor, relevant information,
specific details and little-to-no “back story.” Small talk
at “meet and greet” mixers feels like torture to them. As a
matter of fact, they might not even attend a networking
event unless it’s a virtual one!
Socializers love to yack it up, dominate the discussion,
interrupt and be interrupted (it means they’re alive!),
keep it light and move along speedily. They just love the
buzz of networking and meeting interesting people whom they
might or might not want to work with in the future. When
they exchange business cards, they may even follow up if
they don’t lose them among the hundred that they’ve
collected by the end of the event. Their work with any of
the other types would be to slow down, keep their sharing
brief and relevant and focus mainly on the other person’s
interests through open-ended, warm-hearted investigating.
Being able to interrupt the flood of unconscious habits
that may have “worked” in your own home or amongst your own
“type” can be extremely gratifying and even more helpful
for the ones who are not exactly like you—those with whom
you are trying to build a mutually-rewarding connection.
HOW IMPORTANT IS THIS?
A 1998 study was conducted at the famous Bell Labs Think
Tank in Princeton, New Jersey. Researchers surveyed teams
of electrical engineers. They (both women and men) were
asked to name the most valued and productive engineers on
the teams. Surprisingly, those who were named were not the
people with the highest IQs, or the highest academic
credentials or the best scores on achievement tests. The
most valued team members were the people whose social
intelligence, or adaptability, was highest.
"To have real conversation with people may seem like such a
simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and
risk." ~ Thomas Moore
The key to building successful relationships of all kinds
is humility, curiosity and the willingness to risk action.
Adaptable people realize there is a difference between
their “self” (who they are) and their “behavior” (how they
choose to act). Adaptable people are awake to themselves
in relation to others, so they consciously decide whether
and how to respond to a person, a situation, or an event.
Less adaptable people, on the other hand, respond in a more
ingrained, unconscious manner, regardless of whether the
response is likely to be appropriate or effective. But
even if you are a person who’s been wedded to your own
style for a very long time, fancying yourself a rugged
individual, there is hope. You can commit to broader
understanding of others and yourself and learn to be more
adaptable, more capable of successful intimacy. When you
understand each of the four styles, how to recognize them
in others, and how to adapt to them in key ways, you can
have greater ease in almost any interpersonal situation.
Whether someone is male or female, young or old, part of a
Western culture or some other, our behavioral style is
often evident. Let’s face it, we may all be created equal
and want to be treated with dignity but we surely do not
want to be treated as if we were all the same,
temperamentally. What may be a smart response or reaction
toward one person and in one context may be totally wrong
for the very next person in another context.
Imagine the benefits of understanding how to treat people
the way they want to be treated! Shaky relationships can
suddenly become good ones. Good relationships can now be
even better than before.
_____________________________
Let's keep this conversation going. I would love to help
you understand the results of any of these free temperament
sorters online – found on my website. See my "Favorite
Links" page.
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